Once again, somehow, in inordinate but extended period of time has passed since my previous update. In this instance it has been exactly eight weeks. In that time we had a great Christmas and New Years, I was offered the job I wanted with a January start date and I have just finished my fourth week at said job.
Penny and I have settled on an Autumn 2024 date for our wedding (the kids will be ten and four years old!) and have looked at three wedding venues – there is more to come but we are pretty sure we are settled on the first one we say, incidentally also the most expensive. Joy. Penny returns to work at the start of March and we will see just how we cope with both of us being in full time work whilst juggling the needs of the children and home. It’s also Rosie’s 2nd birthday at the start of March and we have a few nice plans for our growing lockdown baby.
As mentioned I’ve been at my new job for four weeks now and I thought all was going well. I’ve not thought about starting a side venture or researching business ideas, other than quick notes I haven’t written anything and I haven’t picked up an instrument to start a new hobby I was very interested in, I haven’t even felt bad about not going to the gym at all. These sound like bad habits but it’s more positive than that; I’ve been focusing on work and using my time at home to enjoy with the family and to rest, and I must say I’ve been surprisingly happy with that.
I say “I thought all was going well” because from Monday to Friday last week and Monday to Wednesday this week I’ve been required to start very early, drive two hours to a job, and work for the day before making the same drive home. The work day has averaged out to around 12 hour days so I was a little disgruntled with that but getting on with it. That’s before I was called in to a meeting with the bosses and in short told that I’m not at the level they had hoped (mostly in regards to speed) and that must improve. To say that shocked me (no pun intended – electrician in case you missed it) and knocked my confidence would be an understatement. I was then put on a job that everyone hates and I had to work with a guy that I am pretty certain complained about me to the bosses. To finish wouldn’t you just know the crap job that I was on led to a crap day at work. In trying to improve my speed and show how hard-working I am I made a stupid mistake that led to the entire building site being without power four times throughout the day.
So in summary: Eight twelve-hour days that included four hours of travel per day, meeting with bosses that caught me completely off-guard and all I heard was that I was crap, working on a rubbish site for two days, working hard and sweating rushing around trying to give a good impression, working with a guy I don’t like and pretty much everything going wrong. Oh and I’m back on said site with said guy on Monday. Hopefully we get the job finished and I can get on another site with somebody else on Tuesday.
When I say my confidence has been knocked I mean I am now doubting myself and believing that I am a liability with everything I do. I can’t shake the feeling that whatever job I’m on somebody else would do it better and quicker, and that me being there is more of a hindrance than anything. I’m not sure how to shake this belief but all I can do is keep going to work and doing my best and then in a week or two I will re-evaluate and maybe talk to somebody at work about my feelings. I am gutted that I finally found something I was pretty happy with in terms of work and then this has happened but I guess it was early days and maybe it wouldn’t have lasted. Also maybe this is just a blip and all will work out in time.
An all too familiar feeling came back to me yesterday at work while I was on my hands and knees trying to fix something and being rushed to do this and change that, alongside being asked what this is and where that goes. It is the same feeling I’ve had while packing meat in a warehouse, lugging heavy parcels on and off conveyors for ten hour shifts, picking orders on a timer in a huge busy Amazon warehouse, getting shouted at by the angry plasterer I was labouring for despite doing all the shitty joey work like clean up and lugging heavy materials around, plus countless other shit jobs or shit days at work. Anyway enough for the suspense and rambling, the familiar feeling was along the lines of a defeated “is this it?” Am I not worth more than this? Can I not do better? If younger me could see me now. Don’t get me wrong I have plenty of times I feel useless but I rarely wane from the belief I have near limitless potential to be brilliant. I hate bigging myself up but I do know I am fairly smart, I could write something decent, I could learn a skill and make money from it, I could run a successful business.
I have met a lot of people but it is only a small percentage I have thought could go on to do big things. That is not to say there is anything wrong with being brilliant at what you do or completely content with it. That being said a lot of people I have met are more likely to do, well, not a lot. The area I live in and the school and work environment I grew up in is very poor in many regards and unfortunately there aren’t a lot of opportunities nor help. The area is an underclass breeding ground and we are made to work in factories, sweep streets and load trucks. Our best option is to get a trade and make a bit more money but for the majority having more in life means stealing, growing or selling drugs and more recently breeding dogs.
The point I was making is that for every 100 people I meet maybe one or two have given me the feeling that they could do great things and while I don’t like to count myself amongst them it is those that I feel a great connection to and have conversations that spark a flame within me.
This year I want to finish my qualifications and be a fully qualified electrician. The plan is to no longer be working as an electrician as soon as I can possibly manage. The option is possibly there to run an electrical company and have a number of electricians working for me doing the actual work that maybe I’m not suited to but while my electrical knowledge is okay I don’t think I’d ever get to a level I could run a company as safely and effectively as I would like. Running an agency that supplies electricians and other tradespeople is another idea. Both incorporate the scalability of making money off the work other people do rather than just earning for what I do, which is finite.
Ideally I would prefer a different type of business or businesses, preferably online for reasons I have mentioned before such as smaller overheads, can be managed remotely, wider audience reach. I would love to talk more on the subject but my ramble is already significant and now my daughter and fiancee are awake from their naps it’s time to go to town and get some chores ticked off the list as well as no doubt spending a bit of disposable income we’ve been lacking a little over the last couple of months.
It is my greatest intention to return tomorrow and one that, as of right now, I believe I will fulfil – along with rejoining the gym while it is on offer but that is a discussion for tomorrow.