Thursday 12th September 2019

Monday I began this new regime full of optimism and commitment. Tuesday I do a day’s work no harder than any other I’ve done recently, and my first days work for two weeks. I struggle following that to maintain what I promised I would, but I did it. Even if the words I wrote were just rambling tripe, they’re still tripe I managed to vocalise and record. Wednesday I have a day off, as does my girlfriend on doctors orders. We spend the day on the sofa; her on her phone, me playing a game on the laptop, some attention-light Netflix series on the TV. She needed the rest more than I so on two occasions I left the house for supplies: McDonald’s, Cheetos, lucozade (the essentials). Other than that I didn’t move from the sofa up until the point we had to pick our little boy up from school. On the way home he asked to see his cousin and inadvertently reminded his mum that we had to go to my brother’s to get some paperwork.

Around two hours later we were home. We showered and fed the child, played some Nintendo with him as promised and put him to bed. Instantly my girlfriend and I regressed to our earlier states, lounging on the sofa with her on her phone and me on my laptop, some nonsense on the TV that was benign enough we could look up whenever we chose and follow what’s going on. She went to bed at ten pm and I told her I wouldn’t be far behind her. I attempted not to wake her as I slipped in to bed at half past three. It didn’t feel good at that moment in time, never mind three hours later when my step son decided we should all get up now. I dragged myself out of bed to get him ready for school. Knowing that there was no work for me today was the only thing getting me through. I believe if I would have had work today I would’ve simply got in my car and ran away. Turn my phone off and disappear for a few hours, maybe a day, until the dust settles. Although I like to think if I’d known I had work the next day I wouldn’t have stayed up until that ridiculous hour. Saying that I once lay in bed listening to music and found myself laying awake all night; I was in bed under the blanket, just never went to sleep. It’s quite surreal going from pitch-black, still nothingness to slowly feeling the world come back to life. Being awake and aware throughout the whole thing. We are used to watching the day begin, and end, occasionally we’re not too busy to enjoy the middle too, but to watch it end, go away, then come back, just doesn’t seem to compute correctly.

I always knew I got sidetracked and actually quite enjoy the winding paths I find my mind wandering through, but I always surprise myself when I write like this and totally go off on a tangent. Anyway, the point is I shamed myself playing a silly game and didn’t particularly enjoy it while I was doing it. Today I finished the part of the game I so nearly finished last night and rather than start the next part just switched it off and shut down the laptop. I feel much better for it. Following that I cleaned some of the house and tidied up (I’m really good at tidying up, to the point I can rush around for five minutes and give the impression the house is actually much cleaner than it is. I’m sure it’s a common male trait but I really excel at it. It’s totally sweeping everything under the rug but it works). I cleaned myself up, did a few little chores I’ve been meaning to do and set off to pick up my girlfriend and step-son from work and school. This morning I assumed my girlfriend was having another day off so after dropping our lad in to school I began driving home before she updated me that she was going in to work today. I’m proud of her for going in, she’s a better person than me. The medicine is working fine and she had a good day. We’re just dreading what she may be like when the pills run out (the hospital would only give us five days worth as they are very strong). Fingers crossed the nausea has naturally faded by then.

Now that I’ve finished with that game I find myself excited and motivated to be more productive. But I am totally aware this is the exact cycle I’ve been through many times before. Like Shutter Island but slightly less crazy and much worse accents. I’m just trying to enjoy the positive feelings while I have them. Appreciate the optimism and possibilities before pessimism and self-doubt kick in. One thing I have noticed, which I can see both positives and negatives in, is that I very often find myself way too involved in different things (usually games, but occasionally other things like entrepreneur ideas or training to learn a new skill or do a certain job) to the point where loved ones call me obsessed. And I know that I’m going over the top but I just get so in to something that I find hours fly by while I’m doing it and rather than feeling myself getting tired I actually feel more energised the more I do it. This makes me think that I am just so desperate to find my passion or purpose or ikigai or whatever you want to call it that I throw myself in to these ‘easy to get in to’ schemes or distractions, like video games, to try and satiate this need I have. I’m just dying to find my reason to get up in the morning, and let it keep me up all night.

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