Must resist the urge to reference how many times I’ve posted lately….again

I wanted to make it four days in a row but Sunday morning was manic and we didn’t get home from dinner at my dad and step-mum’s until 8ish. Once we had sorted the kids out and got them in to bed we were exhausted. The huge dinner with seconds followed by a good size dessert meant I was good for nothing but an hour in front of the TV before trudging upstairs to bed. It also didn’t help that United were frustratingly poor, so much so that I still felt annoyed even after they scored a last minute goal to win the match. I missed the goal by the way as my dad switched the football off with fifteen minutes to go so he could watch the Formula 1. We left shortly after.

Monday I had a pretty poor first day back in work. Unable to get very much done and with a good number of people in the office off sick or on holiday the usual poor organisation was replaced with reckless guesswork. I didn’t get back until fairly late and though I did consider writing for the blog I just wanted an hour on the settee with Penny before bed. Yesterday (Tuesday) was a pretty bad day at work and even though I was back home for 3:30pm I wasn’t happy. I’m frustrated by the way everything is organised at this job, I’m annoyed that every single job has issues out of our control meaning we cannot complete them, I’m angry that I’ve been put with a roofer who on a good day is finished within a couple of hours then gets to sit in the van relaxing because he can’t exactly help me with the electrical work but on a bad day he can’t even get on the roof meaning he, again, gets to sit in the van chilling until I’ve finished.

I don’t want to focus too much on my current job. The point I was trying to make is that I’m not feeling too disappointed with myself for not writing another update over the past three days. I’ve wanted to, it’s constantly in my head, and I’m here now so I’m happy enough with that. Four updates in seven days isn’t bad going. I am a little disappointed by the fact I haven’t set up Wattpad or YouTube yet, or even looked in to podcasts.

I don’t know if it’s a low self-esteem thing or fear of success, or just plain thinking it’s a stupid idea, but something is holding me back. Like a mental block. I’m not sure how to overcome it so I think I just have to ignore it all and focus on doing one thing at a time. Just go to Wattpad and set up an account. That kind of thing.

It’s really sad when I think about it. I was so confident and sure of myself in my younger days. I liked what I liked and would do what I wanted to do, I was going to be who I wanted to be. There was nothing that could have changed my mind back then, certainly not some inner doubt or fear of anything at all. Whenever I find myself thinking what if it doesn’t work out, what if I’m just being stupid I try to tell myself the opposite; “but what if it does work out?” or “this could be the greatest thing you’ve ever done”

In other news (well, not really, more like returning to the subject of work) I spoke to my old boss Sunday night and it seems like we’re on the same page so I’m waiting for an official offer and package email to be sent to me from the office. From there I’ll discuss with him and once all is agreed and settled I’ll move back. I think I’ve already mentally checked out from my current job and the way things have gone Monday and yesterday have only reaffirmed that for me. We’ll see what happens. I mean ideally I would have liked to have stayed until after Christmas and the new year but my old boss says they want me back before that so yes as I say we will see.

Talking of Monday and yesterday at work I forgot to mention that I’ve not been in work today – hence today’s blog post update, I don’t think I would have managed one today if I were in work. Rosie had a really rough night’s sleep and had me and Penny up pretty much all night, the last time I checked my phone it was after 5am and my alarm goes off just before six. Even when Rosie was asleep and not kicking seven bells out of me (Penny brought in to our bed at around 1am hoping that would help) I kept waking up with a horrible headache. This morning I was a complete zombie and while I was tempted to go to work and see what easy parts of the job I could do to get a day’s pay out of it I decided against it and instead simply drove to Ash’s house to give him the van before driving back to mine to drop me off.

Today has been spent with Penny and I trying to take it easy in the comfort of the nice warm house while a seemingly full of energy Rosie desperately tries to get us to go outside. When we eventually went for a little walk she decided she didn’t fancy being on her feet too much and had me carry her around. She fell asleep around half two and it’s coming up to half three now so I should really go wake her. Have to do everything we can to try to avoid a repeat of last night, but I’m just so content sat at the laptop typing away in a noiseless, dimly lit home.

If there is a final note it is unfortunately work, the subject in focus for a third time within this post. I’m just so fed up with it. Even going back to my old job, knowing it’s easier and I’ll be paid more, it’s only a matter of time before I’ve had enough. Call me arrogant or spoilt but it’s just not what I’m meant to be doing. I’m not an electrician. Sure I know how to do it and I’m fairly good at it but it’s just not who I am nor what I aspire to be. It pays well and I can get away with not working hard for the entirety of my shift. That’s the only reasons I do it. I guess the fact I don’t ever need an electrician to do work on my own home is a nice bonus too.

I need to find a way to get out of it. That needs to be my entire focus and what I sink the majority of my energy in to. I don’t know what it is I can do but as I’ve previously mentioned I need to find something I can do from home. This gives me more time and energy to dedicate to my own endeavours and plus my bad day starts with my commute to work. Actually now that I mention it I quite enjoy the commute (as long as there’s no traffic) just plodding along with my music, an audiobook or a podcast on. My bad day starts before the commute; it starts with me having to get up at a stupid time in the morning to get ready for work. I could even go further back and say my bad day starts with having to go to bed early the night before so I’m some level of refreshed when my alarm sounds.

I’ve mentioned a million times before and I’ll surely mention it a million more – a job working from home where I don’t have to log in at X time and out at Y time would be ideal. Setting my own schedule would be massive. Some early mornings I’m full of energy and zip so would be happy getting on with work for a few hours straight. Other times I find myself wanting to whittle away at something in the dead of night, but instead have to force my brain to switch off for sleep knowing I have to be up for work the next day. A project based job would be an absolute dream. If somebody said they would pay me X amount once I’ve completed whatever they give me I’d be overjoyed. Early mornings some days, late nights others, weekend work where needed, solid chunks in the day when nobody is home.

This is the reason coding has stood out for me but surely there are plenty of jobs like this out there. Freelance writing has many branches as a career and it is something I’ve looked in to but I just can’t quite figure out how to break in to the industry. It’s times like these I wish I had a few dozen people reading the blog that could recommend some options or resources. Maybe once I set up Wattpad and the like I’ll get some help. For now I’ll search Reddit and the wider internet while the spam bots post their irrelevant links in the comments.

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