Today is Monday, and like everybody who makes failed promises to
themselves I have chosen to start on a Monday. Despite setting this blog
up last Wednesday it has taken me until now to begin a thousand word a
day regime. This, despite again, the fact
I’ve been meaning to set a blog up for around six years. Better late
than never I suppose.
There is a lot of initial information to get out (about me, my
history, why I’m doing this, what I want) but I will fill in the ‘About’
and ‘Goals’ pages to give some background. For now I’ll stick to
current events and assume that by the time you’re reading
this I have filled in and you have read those pages.
Currently I am a self-employed improver (electrician but not
qualified, so I do the same work but I’m not paid electrician’s rates
nor can I call myself an electrician or put my name to any work done). I
began training as an electrician when I finished
school 13 years ago. I never finished my training and after doing many
different things in that time, including moving to a beautiful city to
complete a university degree and fulfilling a lifelong dream to live
abroad, I came back to construction in January
of this year (nine months ago). In a nutshell what I do is look for
jobs in the area on a pretty casual basis; there may be a job starting
tomorrow that promises six weeks work (usually you can half this for the
realistic timeframe) then when that finishes
there may be another job starting next Monday for three months work. So
there will be times when there is no work. I have to budget my money
well and think twice before having days off (totally unpaid) from
ongoing work as when that job ends I may go a while
without any more work.
The last job I was on finished 12 days ago. My step-son (who I’ve
known since he was barely one and I look at and treat him as if he were
my own son) was still on his summer holidays so the job ending when it
did came in handy. He wasn’t back in school
until the following Wednesday so I was able to watch him from Thursday
until Tuesday. I work long hours so don’t see him much and I’ve only
been working local to home since June. Previous to that I worked away in
various places; having to stay in hotels from
Monday to Friday and only seeing him and my girlfriend on the weekends.
And every other weekend he goes to his dad’s, he would pick him up
straight from school so I wouldn’t see him until Sunday afternoon. He
would be dropped off at around 6pm and his bedtime
is between 7 and 8pm so I wouldn’t get very long before he went to bed.
I’d be up the next morning around 4am so other than giving him a kiss
on the forehead while he slept I’d have no more interaction with him for
a week (barring phone calls and facetime
I guess).
Anyway back to the point – my last job finished 12 days ago and
after three days at home alone and a weekend with my partner (step-son
was at his dad’s) you would think I’d be refreshed and ready to go
again. I am not. I should have a new job starting
tomorrow, doing slightly different work for less pay but it’s better
than nothing and worth a try. If it’s not for me well I’ll figure that
out if it comes to it. I’ve text the guy who I’m meant to be doing this
job for and I await his reply. But the truth
is I’m not particularly interested. It’s not what I want to do.
Being an electrician, getting qualified and getting more money and
being more I’m demand, is not what I want to do. Eventually owning my
own business and leaving the actual electrical work to other people,
while is more intriguing to me, is not really
what I want to do. Like many jobs I’ve had before I don’t particularly
want to climb up the ladder as it will only make it harder to jump off
when I want or need to. Many of my friends have very well paying jobs,
and have even worked their way up so their
job is not particularly difficult anymore. But they are not happy and
it’s not what they want to do. They are comfortable and enjoy the money
they are on as well as the lifestyle it affords them. But they’re not
happy with their work and it’s not what they
want to do. As plain and basic as it sounds I don’t want to do
something I don’t want to do.
Pretty much the entire previous generation of my family did jobs
they didn’t want to do. They were miserable. But did it because they had
to. This is a different time and there are more options. My generation
don’t have to do what they had to do. Don’t
get me wrong whenever I’ve had to go out and work to get the money my
young family needs I’ve gone out and done it. I’m not lazy, despite the
fact pretty much everyone I know jokes that I am, I just find it
extremely difficult getting my head down and doing
something I don’t want to do day in day out. I’ll do what I have to but
I don’t want to submit, give up on my hopes and dreams, and become a
permanent cog until retirement breaks the shackles of employment from my
ankles. Freeing me to a rocking chair and
a bad back.
Today my plan is to look in to what the alternatives are. Don’t get
too excited, I’ve been looking in to this for around four years and
although I’ve tried a few things nothing has stuck yet. I already have a
few ideas and will probably put those on the
‘Goals’ page. The ideal scenario for me would be to do something from
home which I could continuously improve upon making my time more
efficient, eventually being able to make the necessary amount in the
least possible time allowing me to use my spare time
to explore other avenues whilst leaving some time for hobbies that
could eventually become some source of income without me relying on them
to be (such as writing or coding).
Writing is a passion of mine but I don’t want to write full-time as
contradictory as that may sound, especially in this ‘follow your
passion’ world we currently find ourselves in. I want to work at
something to earn my money and write in my spare time.
I want to enjoy it not rely on it. If I never make money from anything I
write I’m fine with it, but I do want to write. My biggest obstacles to
writing, as well as learning to code and continuing to learn new
languages (another passion of mine), like many
others, is time and energy.
When I work I’m usually up at 5am and home between 6 and 7pm. By
the time I’ve showered and eaten it’s time to put the little one to bed.
Then I slump on the sofa and switch off in front of the tv for an hour
or so before I have to go to bed to do it all
again. Really I could, and should, go to bed at around 9 but usually
it’s closer to 10 and I struggle in the morning. I mean I really
struggle. Once I’m at work I’m usually fine but getting there is real
damn tough. I genuinely don’t know how people do it
every single day. Even if you love your job it must be hard, so for
those who detest their job I say well done. I genuinely commend them.
Like I said I know people have to do what they have to do, I’ve done it
myself – worked long hours at a job I hated, with
people I loathe, for money that did not seem worth it. But I’ve always
got that voice in my head telling me those little things we love to
hear: If you’re not happy don’t do it, life’s too short, you spend too
much of your life at work to hate every second
it, when you’re on your death bed you will only regret all that time
spent allowing yourself to be unhappy, happiness and well-being is more
important than £12 an hour (my personal favourite. Insert whatever your
hourly rate is).
As you will learn I get sidetracked and get in to these rants quite
often. My original point was I work a long day and struggle to find the
time or energy to do what I love to do such as writing or learning a
new language. And when I force myself to do
them I don’t love them any more, it’s just another chore. They become
akin to doing the dishes. I’m doing them for pleasure, not monetary
gain. I want to enjoy them. But when I do have the littlest amount of
time or energy I feel guilty for doing the things
I love to do (or extremely guilty if I forego them all together and
just binge watch a series on tv or play a game), instead I feel like I
shouldn’t be doing what I enjoy when I have free time. I should be
working. Not working a job, working on myself. Researching
what things I can do from home, learning the skills I need to make
enough money to work from home, coming up with a defined plan of action.
But I’ve been trying to do that for years now and it feels like I’m
just chasing my own tail. I find something I can
do from home, I look in to it or try it, it doesn’t work out or I have
doubts or I don’t have the skills or finances to start, I quit and feel
pretty useless and worthless, I start again. So when I have time and
energy either I go round in circles again or
I do what I enjoy and feel guilty. The guilt and shame is especially
prevalant when I’m at work or dragging myself out of bed. When I’m sat
in traffic driving to a job I hate thinking to myself (or sometimes
saying out loud like a full on crazed lunatic) Well
done, another day of your life spent doing something you don’t want to
do because instead of applying yourself to get out of this situation you
had to play the switch and watch football all weekend. Oh the
self-loathing is real people.
So off I go, chasing my tail again. But you know what? Sometimes
the dog catches the tail. Hopefully when I do I won’t be as confused as
to what to do with it as the dumbstruck dog.