I ended my last update talking about work and being unsure whether to go back to my old job on a better package (and promises I’m not sure are to be completely trusted or not) or if I should stay at my current place which offers more security and better benefits. I don’t want to go in to that too much but it has occupied the majority of my head-space the last few days. I’m talking with my old boss at some point over the next few days either in person or over the phone so will look to clear a few things up. I would also like to talk to family and friends to ask what they think, I had hoped to go to my dad’s house today but Penny is a little nervous to potentially be left alone. Her mum is still here at the minute but may be leaving a little later. I should also talk to my current employers. I don’t want it to come across as an ultimatum but I would like to know if our concerns and issues are being looked at or does it make sense to move on.
Now that is out the way, since I’ve come back and tried to update the blog with some semblance of regularity I’ve found myself wanting to write fiction more and old ideas sparking back to life within my imagination. I’m thinking it may be time to create a Wattpad account and post a few pieces on there, also linking to the blog for people to keep up with my mindless ramblings and those rare nuggets of actual fiction writing. In addition I would like to create a YouTube channel just for writing – I have a few ideas for this that excite me but I am wary of it becoming another failed attempt akin to my football, personal and game channels. That reads like I have great remorse, just to clear it up I do not. The football one I did put a little more effort in but with all of them I just had a great urge to dip my toe and see how it went and maybe learn a little. That’s exactly what happened and I got the feeling maybe it’s not for me or not the right time so I moved on knowing I gave it a go and got the idea out of my system. Similar to writing fiction ideas down on paper, even in a very rough format, to get them out my head.
What is holding me back is this idea that my focus, time and energy should be spent finding a viable way to work from home. It makes logical sense that if I spend every ounce of what I have left after work and family commitments on working from home then I will get there sooner. Then once I’m actually working from home I will have more time and energy for writing, gym, learning new skills and all kinds of other endeavours. Would it actually work out that way though? And what is this miracle, all-curing, perfect fit work from home job? Some form of coding seems to fit best, as I have mentioned multiple times. I would like to get involved in the Crypto space. Should I just start learning basic coding languages and see where that takes me? And when would I actually start applying for jobs in the sector? And would I be proficient at all without real-world experience?
Another option is to find a basic work from home job anybody could do without much experience or training like admin or data entry. Chances are these would require me to be logged in at set times rather than a project based model that I would prefer (where I can work a few hours first thing in the morning, a chunk of time during the day and some more on the evenings or weekends – basically working to my own schedule) but it would mean I am working from home. I would most definitely be on much less money than I would as an electrician but avoiding leaving the home at 6am to be stuck in traffic before doing an eight to ten hour day then driving back through traffic once more and walking in the door at 6pm would give me so much more time and energy to do what I need to do. Decisions, decisions.
What doesn’t help matters (or maybe in some way it does help) is that someone close to my mother-in-law died yesterday and it has made me think about a few things. I didn’t know the woman that died so I can look at it completely objectively. She was fifty-two years old; younger both my parents, my step-mum and both in-laws and only 9 years older than my oldest sibling. Less than twenty years older than me. Her final day alive was just another Tuesday, spent in work and ended with an early night ready to do it all again tomorrow. I’ve mentioned it many times here but I absolutely abhor Tuesdays. I have done since I was seven or eight years old. Obviously I don’t have idea or even opinions about what happens when you die but if I could feel anything I would be so angry and disappointed that my last day was spent at work on a Tuesday. Probably stressing about some bill that needs to be paid or subscription I need to cancel, fancying a takeaway but thinking I supposed I should really eat that spaghetti bolognese sat in the fridge, wanting to watch another episode of the series I’m hooked on but instead being sensible and going to bed at a reasonable hour so as to be fresh for work – at least tomorrow is Wednesday, hump day, over the worst of it! How grim.
My selfish rant at the expense of this poor woman, who my mother-in-law was very close to and immensely fond of, does have a point. I just want to be happy. Not everyday is going to be a good one but I want to spend the majority of my time doing what I want to do. I’m not even talking about things I enjoy immensely like adventures with my family, holidays, writing, or even relaxing or playing video games. I’m not talking about learning new skills, getting stronger at the gym or more proficient in another language. I’m talking about being at home. Doing a job that I can do in some form of comfort. One where I have some control over when I start and stop. Doing a job that is a job and when I stop I can actually stop, and focus on other things. A job where I don’t find myself constantly muttering things like “I hate this”, “what the hell am I doing here” and “I should just drop everything and drive home right now, consequences be damned”.
The more I write the more I think I owe it to myself to leave the industry I’m in all together and focus on making the work from home life work. But, and there was always going to be a but, I’m currently picking up at least £44k with overtime and bonuses and if I do go back to my old job I’ve been offered £52k although I’m pretty sure I could push for £55k. It’s pretty hard to turn that down. Would I be able to stick that job long enough until I’m able to do something from home full time? Would I be able to learn the skills I need to make the transition while I’m working this job? I genuinely don’t know. I haven’t made the change yet, despite wanting to for most of my adult life so chances are the answer is no. Or maybe I just haven’t been motivated enough in the past, I haven’t wanted it as bad as I do right now. Also all those failed attempts and the research I’ve done that have led to nothing surely they are items I’ve been able to tick off the list and learning opportunities, similar to that Edison quote about not inventing the lightbulb but instead finding thousands of ways they don’t work.
Despite my grumblings, confusion and rants I am in a very good mood. I’m writing, Penny is feeling much better, we’re going out to lunch soon, I’m at home rather than in work and I’ve got three full days before I return. I’m happy.
I think sooner rather than later I’ll have to do the Wattpad and YouTube ideas as the urge and desire to just do it and see how it goes is too strong currently. This is a trait of mine I’ve noticed since I was quite young. Once an idea is in my head I just have to do it, in some capacity, otherwise it can be crippling. With writing I manage it by writing as much of the idea down on my notes at the earliest opportunity, same with ideas I may have for an app, board game, home design (among other things). This stops the idea from being at the forefront of everything I do but usually the ones I’m most passionate about still pop in to my head fairly regularly.
I’ve done plenty of personality tests over the years and while I’ve had some variance on the Myers-Brigg I do find that mostly I get ENTP (the entrepreneur) and this trait of mine with ideas is apparently very prevalent. Another big one amongst ENTP’s is having huge optimism and ideas for a new job before enjoying the new challenge, finding novel ways to overcome the challenge, beating it and then very quickly getting bored. It’s as if they tick that box then the desire to move on to the next challenge and keep ticking stops them from going back and doing that same task over and over. I cannot begin to describe how relatable that is to me. Every job I’ve had (and there have been a lot, with a lot of variance between roles – another commonality amongst ENTP’s) I’ve done this in some way. A new challenge, educate myself on how to do it, find new ways to do it better or faster, excel and do very well for a short period, get bored and output suffers. The amount of times I’ve been praised for how well I’m doing before being questioned why my numbers are down just days or weeks later, is too many to mention.
When I sat down at the laptop I really didn’t think this would be another post that goes close to two thousand words, especially when my last update was, but here we are. I definitely feel like these uploads are clearing my head quite a lot and making things easier for me so I have to continue. As I said I’ve got more motivation to write more, and follow through with YouTube and Wattpad to actually get some eyes on the blog possibly. Who knows, I could even find myself with an actual real-life person commenting on one of my posts in the near future. I can’t tell you how much I would love that, I think I’d feel like crying. My emotions have been very high when I’ve asked people I know and trust to read something I’ve written and off the top of my head that list of people I’ve asked currently numbers three. I think maybe it is time, after more than three years, almost 50 blog posts, but not nearly enough fiction posts, to welcome Write to Survive to the world. I’d better get writing so they actually have something to read.